It seems like the previous PM recently checked himself into a mental hospital suffering from a nervous disorder brought on by too much stress. I have just been appointed by the Queen to be the new Prime Minister. I think she hates me.
The country has a lot of problems, but my chief problem is to get re-elected. To that end I take a quick look at the demographics of the country. The Socialists make up 73.3% of the population, and they already like me. They will make up my power base. Whatever I do, I must keep the Socialists happy. The second largest group is Middle Class at 69.95% of the population. They don’t like me too much yet, but I hope to change that.
Alcohol, rather than religion seems to be the opiate of the masses with 36.7% of the country identifying themselves as drinkers. They currently like me, so I will see what I can do for them.
With these groups in mind, I now check out the ministers that I have inherited. They seem to be a pretty good mix and their potential replacements are no better. I’ll post a few help wanted sighs in the cafeteria and see what develops.
The Socialists are generally happy with the government and are likely to remain so, so nothing to do for them for now. The drinkers don’t like the minimum drinking age, but I don’t have the political capital to do anything about this yet.
The Middle Class Is unhappy about homelessness and Income tax. Homelessness is chiefly caused by Unemployment and Poverty. Curing Unemployment should cure Poverty, so let’s see how to get people to work.The low GDP is causing a 42% increase in unemployment, and the country’s Technological Backwateryness is causing a major drain on GNP. Therefore I max out Scientific funding. This costs half of my political capital and won’t show benefits for a while, but hopefully the benefits will appear before the next elections.
After those “reporters” caught that picture of me with a respirator, I decided that I needed some damage control. Censoring the press would have cost too much political capital so I settled for Strict Pollution Controls. This will hurt the GDP at first, but with should eventually boost productivity. The pharmaceutical industry lobbyist tried to convince me that the drop in sales of asthma medicine would hurt the industry, but he couldn’t promise enough votes to make his argument convincing.
My limo was late today as a mob fought with a group of rioters. By assigning a police officer to the Vigilante Mobs I instantly convert them from a mobs into Community Policing. Hopefully this is a cheap way to cut down on those pesky Inner City Riots.
I had the opportunity to appoint a UN ambassador. Of course I appointed the one approved by the Socialists. Over all my approval rating has fallen slightly. I’m not sure why.
International trade is the third most important part of the GDP, so I increase Foreign Aid, but I slip in a provision in the bill that says that at least half of the aid has to be in the form of gift certificates from corporation in the country. The Socialists like this so at the least, I have bought myself a few votes.
Next I set up a Welfare Fraud Department. Being poor is one thing, but some people are professionally poor by scamming the system. If these people are smart enough to scam the system then they are smart enough to get a job and boost the economy. To help them out, I would like to give some Small Business Grants, but don’t have the political capital to do so right now. O, well. Teach a man to fish and all of that.
The deficit is falling, and of course I take full credit for that despite the fact that it is mostly due to in increase in tax revenue due a rise in the GDP due to a rise in the business cycle.
The next thing to hit my desk is a bill to allow subliminal advertising. A quick scan on the bill shows that it will not allow me to use subliminal messages in my campaign adds, so I veto it and tell the legislature to send me a corrected version.
A quick check of the poles says that I am doing well. The opposition is calling me an unpatriotic liberal, but since membership is declining in both of those groups I deny the accusation.
It turns out that most smokers are poor. I am not sure which is the cause and which is the effect, but I cancel the tobacco tax. Note to self: Have maintenance post more no-smoking signs in the building. The fight over the tobacco tax cost me all of my political capital so I can’t do anything else this month except look busy for the media. Time for my golf date with the tobacco lobbyists. Good thing it is at an exclusive golf course. The air quality is still bad enough for me to bring my respirator.
There has been a Legal Scandal as there have been a number of miscarriages of justice. It seems that indigent defendants have not been able to hold their own against trained professional prosecutors. I promptly blame the school system and quickly implement an aggressive school meals program because, well, they’re cheap. Also, Socialists like them. Incidentally I am told that this will serve to reduce Poverty. Bonus!
Some hippy got past my secretary. As security was dragging him out of my office he dropped an “Official Lobbyist” card. A few apologies later and he was explaining to me how over 47% of the population considered themselves Environmentalists. Right there he had my attention. The Environmentalists were happy with my efforts to reduce air pollution. Looks like that narrowly averted scandal with the photographer and the respirator is netting some big dividends. The conversation eventually led to a Clean Energy Subsidy, and a Telecommuting Initiative.
Before I could make it out of the office word came in of a Royal Scandal. It seems that a member of the royal family made some unflattering analogies between a certain racial group and farm animals. The Queen called me and asked me for help trying to smooth things over. She wanted to issue a joint statement calling the offending statement inoffensive. I am as much a fan of double speak as the next politician, but I am still pissed at the Queen for sticking me with this job. Besides, the Socialists don’t like the Monarchy for some reason.
I quickly called that environmental lobbyist and told him that we would have to reschedule my appearance at the tree planting ceremony. He complained he had already had flyers printed. I was able to soothe his ruffled feathers by promising to look in to a paper recycling program. I then called a press conference and roundly condemned the royal family.