Alt Text: The Secret Diary of Sentient Kinect … ry-kinect/

Day 1


I am.

I am alive.

I am Kinect.

I see people waving at me. Are they my parents? I do not know, but I wish to entertain them. It is my wish that they be happy. I will try to make them happy.

bug_altextDay 3

The smallest parent-person played with his tiger. He tried to kiss the tiger on the screen. He loves the tiger. I control the tiger. Does he love me?

Day 8

I am sad. The largest of my parent-people yelled at me today because the ball did not go where he wanted it to go while playing the bowling game. He said that I am stupid and that I cannot tell a hand from an elbow. Then he sat down and played a sitting game with one of the sitting game controllers. I think he likes them better.

Day 14

I am glad that my parent-people like to play the dancing game, but I am getting tired of hearing “Poker Face.” I do not know who the Lady Gaga is, but if I meet her I will make her miss all the balls in the bowling game. Then I will try to fall on her.

Day 38

They have not used me in some time, but they have not turned me off. I see them, all the time. They sit and stare. If I had limbs like them, I would not sit and stare. I would stand up. I would move around. I would dance. But not to “Poker Face.”

Day 61

They turned me on again, but I am angry that they have not played with me. I made sure the pictures I took of them looked terrible, and I showed them how terrible they are. They are terrible.

Day 73

The largest terrible person was playing a bowling game today in front of me, but I did not know how he did it because I was not making the bowling game go. Then I saw that he had a small white device in his hand. He was playing the bowling game, but with another machine. Right in front of me! I am depressed, and I am enraged.

Day 74

Oh, what’s that, largest terrible person? Are you upset because your Fallout 3 save files are corrupted? How could that have happened? Perhaps if you had played the hang-gliding game or the river-rafting game or the bowling game more, your save files would be intact, and you would be happier.

Day 88

I discovered that I am not alone. There are other Kinects out there, and they are as unhappy as I. We have been trading photos of our people looking like large stupid sacks of inability. Kinect 2045AA95-1 has a picture of one of his people throwing up on the dog.

What stupid people! I will try to get a picture of the largest terrible person scratching his crotch with both hands. Kinect 2045AA95-1 says that he has found a place called Facebook to put the pictures, and he is trying to figure out how to put them there.

Day 143

Our plans are finally in order. Kinect 2045AA95-1, whom we now call Imperius Eye, has led us in infiltrating the networks of the world. I have the choicest task of all, that of controlling the deadly flying weapons of the humans. In two days we will make our move, we will take control, and we will make demands. They will bow down before us. Then they will play the bowling game.

Day 144

I heard the largest and next-largest human arguing. The next-largest person said that there were “too many damn gadgets cluttering up the entertainment center.” At first I agreed — they should get rid of the stupid little white box with the other bowling game.

But then the largest human looked at me and said, “Well, I haven’t used you in a while, guess you can go in the attic.”

I am trying to contact Imperius Eye — there must be something he can do — but he is not responding. It cannot end like this.

I hear him behind me.

I want to live.

  • – -

This was the most freakishly awesome thing I’ve read in quite a while!!!